So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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