and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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