I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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