i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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