It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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