Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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