Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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