sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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