the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
