If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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