Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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