Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
