There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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