I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
