I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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