Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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