I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
