If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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