Sry I called you an 8
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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