Just fell off a train. Bad.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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