My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
