I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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