I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
