so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
