one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
