K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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