Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize