i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
