hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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