She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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