i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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