i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
