i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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