You can't special order awesome
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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