The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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