k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
