i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
