I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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