you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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