Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
