I can tuck mytits in my pants
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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