I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
