dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
