God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm always down for nudity.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
