She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
