did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
