Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize