Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
