me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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