RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
