After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We got so high we made milksteak
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
