He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize