All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I could fuck to npr.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
