My Higher Power is John Stamos
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
