I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
