Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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