i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
