I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I still have a little drunk in my system
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