i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
