Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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