Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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